I would like to share a personal experience I recently had with my older daughter that is know a junior in high school. I have never had any problems with her grades before, and just early this week I got a call and an email from the school that he was failing chemistry. My first reaction was to get upset and immediately think of a consequence to give my daughter, before even listening to what she had to say. Before even talking to my daughter I spoke to my husband about the problem and we both agreed that we would first hear what she had to say, especially since she has always been a good student. To not go back to our old way or handling things, as our parents did to us, but to actually continue putting in practice what we have learned from the counseling we have participated and the different resources we have used in our work. It is funny we often can help solve other families situations and we often can solve our own that are less complicated.
So what we did was to have her tell us what was the problem, and what could we do to solve it. She had a lot to say, she told us that she never liked chemistry and that she really tries to understand. That she has tried asking the teacher to explain once again, but even when he does she still doesn't understand. Then we all brainstormed on things we could do as a team to solve the problem and we came out with many good ideas. One was talking with her counselor about the problem, possibly changing instructor, tutoring. She liked the idea of talking with her counselor; she asked us to let her to it herself which we respected. Then we told her we would inquire about tutoring and she agreed. So now she goes to tutoring every Saturday morning, until she feels confident enough, which she really looks forward to, and she did speak to her counselor and he will change her to another class next semester, which she is very happy about.
We have learned is that by actually listening to our daughter and by using the magical words such as "How can we work this out? What can we do to help?, What do you think or feel?", make an enormous impact on how others feel about themselves and others. The feeling that they are not alone changes the conflict from defensive to co-operative which makes resolving the problem much easier.
Thank you for reading my posting, if you have any other techniques that have helped you solve conflicts, particularly with our teenage children I would love to learn more, being a parent is not easy and we never stop learning.
I'm glad that it worked out for her. Even though I do not have children, I do understand. Before my brother in law left our house, he too was in high school. He pretty much gave us the lecture that he didn't understand and that he went to the teacher and asked for more help. In a way I believed him, but eventually the lies caught up with him when I did visit his school. The teacher admitted that he never came by or asked questions, so me being me, I made preparations for I’m to remain at school to get the help he needed, his grades improved before the semester was over and we all were happy.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that it worked out for her. Even though I do not have children, I do understand. Before my brother in law left our house, he too was in high school. He pretty much gave us the lecture that he didn't understand and that he went to the teacher and asked for more help. In a way I believed him, but eventually the lies caught up with him when I did visit his school. The teacher admitted that he never came by or asked questions, so me being me, I made preparations for I’m to remain at school to get the help he needed, his grades improved before the semester was over and we all were happy.
ReplyDeleteIsabel,
ReplyDeleteYour conflict reminded me of when I was at senior in high school. I was put into a math class of all juniors. My mother and I didn't think this would be a problem, but it became an issue. The teacher treated me very poorly. Math was one of my best subjects back then, and so my mother knew my failing grade wasn't because of me not understanding but because of the teacher. I tried to work through it but the last straw was when I was out of school because of a surgery and the teacher refused to send home any of the work. When I returned back to class she told I didn't miss anything. Then she told the rest of the class to open up to the homework. When I asked what page she ignored me, so I turned to a classmate and asked what page. The teacher screamed at me and sent me to the office. My mother was at the school the next day. She fought with the principal and the guidance counselor and got me removed from that class. I think having supportive parents on your side and being able to talk to them about what is going on without the fear of them yelling is one thing that got me through my situation. Plus it really helped that my mother was a teacher in the same school district.
I love have you and your husband gave your daughter the chance to explain her side of the situation. I hope that she now knows she can come to both of you no matter what is going on. I remember being a teenager and wondering if I should tell me parents things or not. I was always afraid of their reactions but I learned that they were always open and listened to what I had to say without judging. I always knew they were on my side.